Feeling guilt after some time away from “home”
Malls have never really appealed to me. Growing up in upstate NY, there was a fair amount of time killed in these temples to consumerism. My friends and I would walk the halls, buy the pretzels, see the movies (lots of them), and window shop for clothes we didn’t need and couldn’t afford in an effort to detach from the boring reality of being a high schooler with no money, no rights, and no outlets for our energies. But, to me, malls have always a felt a little bit like places where ethics go to die.
We all knew the difference between “needs” and “wants” but that didn’t stop us from lusting after that new pair of sneakers. We had gasped in honest disgust when our economics teacher schooled us on just how our Gap t-shirts were made- but it didn’t stop us from begging for a new t-shirt every time we stopped by the mall with our parents. We spent our free time, which we had a lot of, painting our nails and dabbling in communist philosophy as we wrestled with the reality of economic disparity. Our parties came alive with debates on how to make the world a better place, questionable beverages fueling our fire and making us brave in our assertions about how things “should be”.
We were not ignorant to the world’s ills. Yet, somehow, when we stepped into the mall, none of it mattered. All that mattered was the want. Philosophy and practice were just so very hard to sync.
When my husband and I stepped back onto American soil a few months ago, we were so ready. Ready to feel at home. Ready to be fluent in the language. Ready to have more control over our food. Ready to see old friends. Ready for the familiar.
But there was a lot we weren’t ready for. We forgot to throw the toilet paper in the toilet. We forgot that we could use credit cards for $2 purchases. We forgot the constant rush of being a US citizen who “needs” to be someplace five minutes ago. We forgot about the fear of the foreigner. We forgot about the constant (questionable) “threat” of terrorism. But mostly, we forgot about the malls.
It sounds silly but one of the hardest things to get re-accustomed to when we re-entered the states was the malls. These places where people go to buy lots of things they didn’t know they needed when they walked in. Entire buildings devoted to encouraging us to spend money through subliminal messages, overt advertisements, and well-studied methods of presentation. Throngs of people. passing time, gathering things, and purposely pretending they don’t know that there is a single mother in Bangladesh, devastated and desperate, after her husband lost his life in a building collapse, making a t-shirt.
There is guilt for me, being back in the US. I don’t want it to be there, but it is. I know that the world is as it is and that there is good and bad everywhere. I know that all people, in Bangladesh, the US, and everywhere in between, are simply doing the best with the tools they have at hand. I know that guilt does not really do anything to change that which should not be. I know that I do not shop at those malls. I do not buy into consumerist culture. I do not philosophically support a system that does not value all human life. I know all of that. And yet… the guilt. Because, after all, whether I philosophically support it or not, am I not still benefitting from this system everyday?
I know the people in Guatemala who make those jeans. I have met the single mothers struggling in a basement in Varanasi to sew purses to ship to LA. I’ve played with the children in El Salvador who are dying, literally, to cross the border only to be greeted by picketers and protesters, bent on protecting their right to a lifestyle that I am not sure truly benefits anyone. I know these people. When I think about it, I think we all know these people in some way.
Philosophy and practice are still hard to sync. Only now, I’m not so sure I can ignore the gnawing feeling in my gut that things are too far out of balance for it to make sense anymore.
Travel feeds my soul and is what makes me feel like I am connecting in a full and meaningful way with the world around me. The only trouble with connecting in such a regular and meaningful way is that then those moments when there is disconnect can no longer be easily ignored.
Do you ever have unexpected guilt after traveling abroad? How do you attempt to sync up the philosophy and the daily practices?
August 8th, 2014 at 5:22 am
not often does an article resonate with me so that i actually care to comment. thanks for contemplating on this phenomenon. i almost started thinking i’m the weirdo, being the only one who feels like this.
in europe we don’t exactly have these malls that you have in the states but we have the shopping streets. they don’t differ much in their destructive quality. the feeling of guilt that you describe, for me it leads to a sense of alienation and the actual desire to travel to places that are on the giving end of global capitalism and those who attempt to build new (or old, when you think about it) value systems. so maybe that can be a way to deal with it. choosing which side you’re on, regardless of which side you come from.
August 8th, 2014 at 11:51 am
Malls are actually quite common in Europe. At least in big cities. They are not called malls, but something like shopping centers, but they are covered and contained exactly the same. I was in London and Berlin just last month, and they certainly have lots of these places. Even in my wife’s home country of Trinidad & Tobago, they have malls. Anyway, I think the guilt you are talking about is connected to how they create an atmosphere of convenient, care-free shopping, which masks the hardship that goes into supplying the consumer market with products. It promotes a distorted reality in a way, but at the same time, let’s remember that these places provide jobs for people and livelihoods. I do think they have become more and more devoid of charm that older, traditional markets and shops have, in some respects.