Gifts for the World Traveler

I have a couple of items on World Hum's annual "Gifts for the World Traveler" satire this week. One is:

INTERNATIONAL "TRAVELER (NOT TOURIST)" T-SHIRTS
You've tried everything to set yourself apart from "tourists": You wear local fashions when visiting the market; you use Lonely Planet cultural tips when sightseeing; you even say "thank you" in the regional dialect when the busboy clears your table. But, for some crazy reason, the locals still don't see that much difference between you and the camera-toting Westerners who spill out of air-conditioned tour buses. The problem, of course, isn't that the tourist/traveler distinction is largely a self-serving rhetorical charade. Rather, the problem is that the locals don't realize how important it is that you not be mistaken for a tourist. Fortunately, you can now save face in locals' eyes by wearing a hip new line of travel t-shirts, which read "Traveler (Not Tourist)" in 200 major world languages. (A collar-mounted voice-loop transmitter is currently under development to help clarify things to illiterate peasants.) Colors include indigo, saffron, and rainbow tie-dye. Hawaiian-print and colonial khaki not available.

If you're reading this after the holidays, the World Hum article is archived here.