Some more notes on wiping your ass

A little over a year ago, I blogged a curious item from Esquire, wherein film director Barry Sonnenfeld sang the praises of using Tucks hemorrhoid pads as a more sanitary form of toilet paper. "Tucks," the film director exulted, "are like a romp through a field of daisies for your butt."

At the time, I used this tidbit to bring up the fact that toilet paper simply does not exist in most parts of the world (such as Asia), and that most world citizens consider water a much cleaner way to wash after "going number two". Water-wiping enthusiasts (including many die-hard vagabonders) insist that their method is superior, arguing that if you had shit on your face, you would use water to wash it off instead of paper. Thus, they reason, water-wiping makes for a cleaner bum.

So what is it like when water-wipers are faced with the horror of using toilet paper in places like the United States? The following item, from the August issue of Harper's, gives us some vivid clues:

From an anonymous contribution to "Lotah Sto­ries," an installation by the artist Sa'dia Rehman, exhibited this spring in the bathrooms of the Queens Museum of Art, in New York City. Rehman asked South Asians living in America about using a lotah, a water vessel used in India and Pakistan to clean oneself after defecating.

Here are some tips for lotah users in a foreign land. The trick is to be discreet and do it in style!

If you live in a college dorm, use a plastic cup, preferably khaki, black, or some other non­descript color to avoid attracting unnecessary attention. It can sit discreetly in your shower caddy until its services are needed.

Act completely nonchalant when you walk in the bathroom and get your cup from your caddy. Go to the sink, stare at your reflection, pretend to fix your hair, anything, while filling it up.

Placement is very important. Make sure you hold it in a way that is least visible to any per­son in the bathroom with you.

At work, due to the extra pressure to assimilate, the need for discretion is paramount. Take your time at the sink until whoever else in the bath­room with you is no longer within sight. Avoid "number two" in a work bathroom unless ab­solutely necessary.

If you are sharing an apartment with a non-desi roommate, keep a plant in the bathroom. That would comfortably explain why you keep a small watering can in your cabinet.

Ignore the impulse to explain what you are do­ing, even to friends. Unless people have been using a lotah all their lives, the benefits com­pletely escape them, and they will view you as a freak with a freakish bathroom custom.